Bah Humbug!

   That's how I'm feeling this holiday season.


    I normally love Christmas, its my favorite holiday.


   But this year...I'm just not feelin it.


   The kids are both home from school, and finals are over for all three of us. I should be happy...but I'm not...well I cant say not happy...I'm just not anything... I'm not feeling much of anything. When I do its definitely anything but happy. It resembles more like sadness, anger, depression, even resentfulness (is that a word).


   I know it has to do with stress, and what the stress can and does trigger with my MS. I have been told repeatedly that depression was something I WOULD deal with at some point with my illness but I always figured not me, I'd be OK. WRONG!


   The stress isn't going away any time soon. Money has been tight for months since my husband and I made the decision for him to change jobs again, the second time in six months, so he could be hone with me because I was having such a hard time managing every day life and school and my MS with him and the kids gone. It was just too over whelming, but in doing this he took a huge pay cut and believe me we are now feeling it. Now out of the blue my step-son has decided he wants to come for Christmas, don't get me wrong I'm happy to see him if for no other reason than it makes DH happy, but why now after refusing to see us for over three years. So now I have to find the money to make not one but two trips out of town to pick him up and take him back. Christmas gifts that were already going to be few are now even fewer. I have already returned most of them once because I needed the money to pay bills. Then yesterday when DH started buggin about when he could get me something for Christmas I had to tell him he couldn't, there wasn't any money.


BAH HUMBUG!


   Its not the first time money has been tight, normally it doesn't bother me. I get gifts for the kids, gifts for my family, and always do gifts for the angel tree at our church.


   The tree has been up for weeks, but we just decorated it a few days ago. Granted I was waiting for the boys to get home from school to decorate it but I've only had the lights on the first night.


BAH HUMBUG!


   Normally I would have several batches of candy and cookies made....not this year...I did one yesterday and that's as far as I got.


   Sigh


BAH HUMBUG!


   I know its my  MS, I'm just so over it.


I want my holiday spirit back
        BAH HUMBUG
  


  


  


  

Different....But the Same...

Its raining...again.....still.....rain....thunder....lightning...quiet.....


Both of the kids are out for the weekend.....quiet.....


I wonder if this is what its going to be like? What its going to be like in the next few months when my first little bird flys away from the nest. Taking his first steps into adulthood. Leaving for college away from home, away from me. Can he do it? Can I do it?


He's so ready to go, so independent. I think hes been grown his whole life, but hes still my baby. I understand now how hard it was on my parents when I grew up, because in a lot of ways me and my first born son are so much alike. Independent, self sufficient, at least on the outside.....but different in so many ways....


He's so grown up, but when I look at him I can still see the little boy he used to be. I'm so proud of him, but so sad that my baby is growing up right before my eyes. I love you....